The true meaning of Christmas is winning

Wanna know how I can tell it’s almost Christmas?

There is Christmas music happening in my ears right now. Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells… There’s also the tingly, excited feeling in my tummy that means the infamous Christmas onesie is thisclose to its 2013 debut. Then, there’s the way my pants are fitting tighter from all the eating and drinking at all the Christmas parties. Worthsies.

If you’re new around here, you might not know that this is my first ever married Christmas. Well, it is, and I’m kind of excited about it. Hey there sexy husband, merry Christmas to me.

I’ve mentioned before how lucky we are to both have amazing families who love us and want to celebrate Christmas together and all that jazz. So celebrate we did. And things got ugly. Gingerbread house-decorating is, apparently, not for the faint of heart.

Team Landgraf took on Team Hess in a gingerbread battle royale, which was every bit as delicious as it was devastating. I can no longer speak for Team Landgraf, as my new drunken-looking driver’s license and social security card say “Hess”, but I feel that it’s important for you to understand Team Hess’ gingerbread house plot line.

In a dystopian, alternative Christmas universe (let’s call it The Darkest Timeline), Spiderman is actually the evil Spiderman masquerading as the real Spiderman, and in Grinch-like fashion is trying to ruin Christmas for the masses. Actually-Evil Spiderman has taken Santa Claus hostage, using him as a diversion and tying him to the front of the house. Actually-Evil Spiderman busts through the wall of the gingerbread house, presents in tow, thinking he has outwitted the long arm of the law. But nay nay, the police arrive just in time to stop Actually-Evil Spiderman and save Christmas, hooray! Unfortunately, Frosty the Snowman met a tragic ending when a police car ran over him in its driver’s somewhat-rushed-but-well-meaning efforts to save Christmas. Frosty’s untimely demise serves to remind us that though this is a season of love, joy and peace, many people are suffering physical and emotional hurts this holiday season and we should be ever-mindful of the needs of others and stuff like that.

And, if you look closely, Santa was so scared during this whole ordeal that he totally crapped his pants.

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Remarkable, poignant and totally meaningful, right?

Yeah…we lost.

I swear, the art of prose was totally lost on the allegedly neutral judges.

Yellow snow, anyone?

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