Weekend Update

Hi hello how are you? I’m wonderful, thanks for asking. I hope you had a lovely weekend, because I really did. And now I’m going to tell you all about it.

 

Friday after work I went home and cooked Andy a very nutritious dinner of frozen popcorn shrimp and corn drowned in butter and salt. #HealthGoals. Because we apparently have little to no regard for our general wellbeing whatsoever, we then decided to treat ourselves to some creamy, delicious blizzards from Dairy Queen. Anyone who doesn’t live in Texas: do you have Dairy Queen in your state/country? If not, please allow me to overnight you a butterfinger blizzard immediately. It will very likely be a melted pool of mess by the time it arrives at your doorstep, but hey – it’s the thought that counts.

 

And no, I don’t know what’s up with the formatting on that stupid paragraph. Stupid blog. Stupid HTML. Stupid internet. (Just kidding internet you know I love you passionately.)

 

Anyway, after dinner and our frozen treats we unbuttoned our pants and settled in for a relaxing movie night. We watched Guardians of the Galaxy and I loved it (yes, I know, we can just go ahead and add this to the list of cool things I’m late to discover). I still have trouble seeing Chris Pratt as anyone but Andy Dwyer, but I kind of liked that. It’s like Bert Macklin, FBI, finally got his big break and is undercover, actively protecting us all -and the greater universe as a whole- from annihilation by unfriendly extraterrestrials.

 

Or something.

 

Saturday morning I woke up early and went to yoga. I can’t remember if I’ve told you in an earlier post and I’m too lazy to go back and re-read to find out, so I’ll just tell you again: my neighborhood offers free Saturday morning yoga classes. I went a couple weeks ago and I ended up really liking it, so I decided to go again. Somehow I ended up at the very front and center of the group – okay, I know exactly how. I was polite and arrived early, class got started, then all of a sudden like six women showed up late and pulled up their mats behind me. Despite my best efforts to get away with minimal effort, pain and embarrassment, somehow my yoga pants-clad butt ended up in the air in the different poses for all the world -or at least the rest of the class- to see. And in the happy baby pose, it was my vagina in the air instead of my butt. Deeeeelightful.

 

Can I say “vagina” on the internet without getting flagged for pornography? How about “pornography?”

 

Great. That’s two awesome new keywords. Thanks, SEO.

 

Anyway, after my near pornographic yoga experience I cooked breakfast and asked forced Andy to go for a walk with me. After walking approximately one block Andy complained that he was tired, but I encouraged forced him to continue. After about a mile of this forced fun, he decided he’d had enough and exacted his revenge by asking forcing me to accompany him to Walmart. Because we needed “things.” These “things” ended up including –but are not limited to– Sprite, a Swiffer, a new shower rod and liner, eye drops, limes to make Moscow mules and Drano. We are such exciting people.

 

After our wonderful Walmart adventure we went home, I bathed, and then I left for Fort Worth, where I was going to meet my family to watch Pitch Perfect 2. Chelsea already had me super excited to see it after reading her post about it, and let me just say it lived up to the hype 100%. It was just as funny, if not funnier, than the first. But I will say, I was in a weird group of people at the theatre because there were some very funny moments where I was legit the only one laughing in the whole place. Not even my weirdo family laughed. My favorite moments included (no spoilers, much) Anna Kendrick’s sexual preference confusion over the blonde German girl’s cinnamon-scented sweat and Rebel Wilson walking/singing straight into a road and then screaming at an oncoming car “Can’t you see I’m soloing here?!”

 

Fun fact: I can never spell cinnamon right the first time. Two n’s, one m – I always try it the other way around. And it’s always wrong.

 

That’s okay self, you’ll get it one of these days.

 

After the movie I returned home to my darling husband who then informed me that while I was gone, he had laundered all (ALL) of his work shirts and could I please iron them all (ALL) for him that night. Like 25 shirts. So I thought, “What would Christina from HGTV’s Flip or Flop do?” and I ironed his shirts while drinking wine and finally watching Dallas Buyer’s Club. I went from super fun, happy movies to very un-fun, unhappy movies faster than you can say “I need more wine please.”

 

Around 4am Saturday night/Sunday morning we were awoken by a lovely heinous, shrieking banshee alarm taking over our cell phones and alerting us of an emergency flash flood warning in all of our North Texas county. Sure enough once we turned the darn things off and slowed our heart rates, we could in fact hear what sounded like rain and flooding of biblical proportions outside our window. Andy got up to go check on our plants and skinny baby front yard tree, and I went straight back to sleep (I did a lot of ironing, guys).

 

Yesterday the flooding miraculously stopped long enough for us to attend the Texas Rangers game (baseball) with some friends. It was really fun, actually. I paid very little attention to the game itself but I had a fantastic time chatting with my friends Dayna and Lauren. So I’m calling it a win. After the game we went to dinner and Andy kept feeding me beers so then I had to unbutton my pants again because I was so full. What can I say, I take my beach bod really seriously.

 

Here are some things I’m excited for this week:

 

The Bachelorette tonight – I swear if Kaitlin isn’t chosen over Britt I am done with that show forever (no I’m not that was a blatant lie but still I really hope Britt gets voted off the island)

 

This book and this book both come out tomorrow. You should join me in buying both of them immediately.

 

Putting the final planning details into our Eurotrip which is THREE WEEKS AWAY.

 

So how was your weekend?
—The Wife in Training

 

6 Comments

  • ommmmg we should have watched “pitch perfect 2″ together because those were some of my favorite parts too but i was often the only one laughing too!

    you are such a nice wife for ironing all those shirts. i think i’ve only ironed about 3 times in my life because i lucked out and my husband finds it very therapeutic to iron things.

    stay safe in floods of texas!

    • Reply May 20, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      I WISH we could have watched it together! Ugh can your husband please teach my husband to enjoy ironing? Or even to learn? ;) Y’all have fun on all your travels going on!

  • I can never spell occasionally right. See my computer just corrected me there. SPELLING IS HARD.

    Also are Andy and Taylor the same person? They might be…just SAYING.

    And WTF TAKE ME WITH YOU TO EUROPE.

    • Reply May 20, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      GET IN MY SUITCASE I’LL TAKE YOU TO EUROPE LET’S GO.

  • Travis stopped asking me to iron because every time I get so frustrated I cry. I hate it more than any chore in the whole entire world.

    I love that you said vagina, I hate when people use creepy other names. Someone found my blog googling “meth” the other day due to my hobo camp/meth lab reference. I really hope some pervs stumble upon your blog on accident.

    • Reply May 20, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      Ooops that was me googling “meth,” I did think it was kind of weird that the internet took me to your blog….. ;)

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