The Internal Monologue of Someone Who Has Just Learned They Smell Like Onions Today

*Sniff*

*Sniff* *Sniff*

What’s that…?

What the…

What in the world is that smell?

*Sniff* *Sniff* *Sniff*

Onions.

Something smells like onions.

Oh lord, is it you?!

*Sniffs tentatively around body*

Yes.

That is you.

Yes it is definitely you that smells like onions.

And you’re already at work.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

It must be the lingering scent from the onions you used in your creamy, delicious, homemade parmesan risotto last night.

 

 

The offending risotto, circled for dramatic emphasis.

The offending risotto, circled for dramatic emphasis.

 

I know. I know, and you’re right. It isn’t fair. You were doing such a nice thing by cooking dinner for your family. And you totally showered. For, like, way more than three minutes.

But sometimes, bad things happen to good people.

And you did technically use two whole cups of the diced monstrosities. That could be interpreted as a little bit overkill.

But don’t panic.

As long as you stay very, very still, the smell will only do minimal wafting to other impressionable noses.

WAIT – you have deodorant in your cube! Remember a couple weeks ago when you bought some to keep at the office on a whim, with the inkling that it might possibly come in handy one day? THANK YOU, BENEVOLENT AND BRILLIANT PAST SELF.

Now put on A LOT of it. In any and every available nook and/or cranny.

Dammit, it isn’t working.

…Maybe if you spray your Tresemme hairspray all over your body like perfume…

ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION.

*Coughs uncontrollably until tears stream from eyes*

Well, that was the worst idea you’ve ever had.

Second only to the time you let them pour leftover food all over you in fifth grade at church camp. Come to think of it, you might have actually smelled better that day, even wearing discarded food remnants from the night before.

Church camp was weird sometimes.

FOCUS. You have a serious problem here. Harness your brainpower and let’s devise a solution.

Go down to the office gym facility to shower quickly?

No, you have no soap.

More importantly, no towel. And air-drying your naked body under an automatic hand dryer in a place of business seems like a great way to take this situation from “How unfortunate” to “You’re fired and the police are on their way.”

All right so that’s out.

Keep your earbuds in at all times, so as to discourage coworkers from stopping by to chat – and therefore smelling Eau de Onion?

*Attempts this for 20 minutes; three people enter cube on separate occasions to chat*

Ugh. Not good enough.

Come on, you have to think of something…

Pretend you have surprise explosive diarrhea and ask to go work from home for the rest of the day?

YES.

Definitely yes.

That’s way less embarrassing anyway.

 

—The Wife in Training

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