If you live in the Fort Worth-Dallas area, you might have heard about the Fort Worth Zoo. I’m told that the quaint little suburb to our east has one too, but I’m also told that the Fort Worth version is significantly better. I wonder what kind of monster would choose to go anywhere other than Fort Worth. (“I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.”)
Anyway. Here are some things that you MUST see/do at the Fort Worth Zoo!
1. Go Early, and Wear Comfortable Shoes
We arrived a few minutes after the zoo opened in the morning and it was already moderately full. By the time we left around mid-afternoon it was packed. Also, pro tip: this is not the time to break in your new Birkenstocks. I’ll take “Painfully Obvious, Why On Earth Would You Even Think That Was a Good Idea Lindsay, Put on Your Tennis Shoes You Fool” for $500, Alex.
2. Don’t Miss MOLA
The Museum of Living Art, that is. This is where they keep the snakes and reptiles…a.k.a. my very favorite part. This is the perfect place to practice your parseltongue, no matter how many times your husband says you’re embarrassing him and scaring the children.
3. Meerkats are Adorable But Apparently You *Cannot* Take Them Home
4. Eat the Chili-Cheese Dog
Really, this is just a good rule in general for your life. It’s not so much limited to zoo experiences. When you get the chance, always say yes to the chili-cheese hot dog. It’s just a good idea.
5. The Saltwater Crocodile Cannot Bite You From Behind Its Bulletproof-ish Glass Enclosure. Probably.
Okay but it was HUGE and I was very afraid. But in a fascinated way where I couldn’t move away from the glass. Did you know that the difference between a crocodile and an alligator has to do with the shape of their snout? I did. I learned that at the live animal show where Andy and I were the only non-toddler audience members.
6. Beware of Bees
At one point Andy and I shared a snow cone. Then, when we’d finished it, Señor Hess went to throw it away. Except the trouble was that apparently every other human had also thrown away their snow cone in that trash can, and consequently the bin was swarming with probably around 30 bees. They really took a liking to Andy, and chased him down the walkway while I tried in vain to control my cruel, heartless laughter. I am such a good wife, he’s so lucky to have me.
7. Definitely Ride the Komodo Dragons
Because, I mean…why not?
8. Lions Have Huge Balls
And they are quite proud of them. Wouldn’t you be? The male lion was asleep with his butt pointed toward the viewing area, and all his …manly bits… hanging out for literally the whole world to see. Seriously, these things had to be the size of softballs. I really, really wish I had a picture to show you, but I was too awed and amazed to be distracted by frivolous things like photography. Or refraining from making lewd comments in front of small children.
9. I’m As Tall As a Shark!
At the Fort Worth Zoo’s the Australian Outback exhibit, YOU CAN SEE ACTUAL, LIVING, BREATHING SHARKS. If you know me at all you are probably familiar with my shark obsession. In this exhibit they also had a wall indicating the lengths of indigenous Australian sharks, so you could see how tall you are in comparison AND GUESS WHAT. I’m as tall as a black tip reef shark! Yaaaasssssss.
10. The Majestic One-Horned Rhinoceros = #SummerGoals
This guy might be my spirit animal. There he was just chillin’, half-submerged in tranquil turquoise water, without so much as a care in the world. This will be me at the neighborhood pool, all summer long…plus some solid SPF 8,000. #paleskindon’tcare
So there you have it! Have you been to the Fort Worth Zoo? Or just a zoo in general? What’s your favorite animal? Should I have jumped over the barricade and into the water to chill with the rhino, do you think? It seemed like a really good idea at the time.
—The Wife in Training