So it’s four days before Halloween. You’ve waited ’til the last minute to choose a costume. Now you are desperately scrambling around your house collecting random objects in hopes that something –anything– reveals itself to you in an epiphanous moment of total clarity, cursing the fate you brought upon yourself.
No? Just me then?
Cool. Awesome. That’s really great.
Well just in case you’re a Halloween procrastinator like me, here are a few last-minute, pun-centric, super duper easy costume ideas that you can throw together in 10 minutes or less!
When Life Hands You Lemons
Here is the gist: you, the costume wearer, will be playing the role of Life. It is your sole task to distribute lemons to friends, random passersby and possibly even trick-or-treaters at your door. When someone inevitably asks, “What am I supposed to do with this lemon?” it is your job to stare deep into their soul, and say in your most philosophical voice, “That is up to you.”
This one is also very easy. All you need is a package of those dish scrubber sponges (or really any sponges) – then secure them onto your shirt using either tape, hot glue, safety pins, a nail gun…you do you.
I’m giggling as I type this, because it may very well be my favorite of these ideas. For the “spell” part, fashion a makeshift witch’s wand from either a straw (that you color black with a sharpie) or something similarly wand-shaped. Or, if you happen to have an actual witch/wizard wand a la Harry Potter, perfect. 10 points to Gryffindor for your excellent preparedness. Grab your wand and a hair dryer, and you’re officially a dry spell.
I crack myself up.
This one requires a printer, but it’s worth it. Print out the word “Free” in large, obnoxious letters and secure it to your chest. (Remember the tape, hot glue, safety pins, etc. from earlier? Use those again.) Next, grab your favorite handle of liquor. Get it? Because sometimes people call liquor a “spirit?” Disclaimer: this does not mean you are giving away your alcohol for free. I am not a monster, I would never suggest this.
Are you noticing a theme? Ridiculous puns and household objects? No? Great, let’s keep going! All you need for this one is a handful of grapes and a copy of Great Expectations. Halloween 2015: brought to you by the longwinded literary master Charles Dickens.
Trophy + bread = you’re welcome.
Rock & Roll
Similarly…dinner roll + small rock from your backyard = puns on puns on puns.
Cat’s Out of the Bag
This one’s a little trickier, as you will need a cat. I have two, if you need to borrow one. Carry your cat around in a bag all night and then when he/she invariably escapes, you can shout “The cat’s out of the bag!” while playing a fun game of capture-the-beloved-family-pet.
Okay I love this one a lot. Put on your favorite (read: least stained) apron, or, actually…I guess a chef’s hat would work well too. If you have one. Freak. Anyhooker, put your apron on and carry around your clothes iron all day and night. If anyone sasses you or tells you it isn’t clever, smack them in the face with the broad end of aforementioned iron.
Do you have a bed sheet? Do you have a book? Do you have a sense of humor? Eeeeeexcellent. Take your bed sheet and wrap yourself up tightly, mermaid-tail-style, from the armpits down. You’ll need your arms free to hold your other prop and also probably a cocktail. I’m only thinking of you. Once you’ve wrapped your lower body up into a worm-like cocoon, hop over to the bookshelf and grab your favorite leatherbound volume. Voila: from normal human to literate garden bug in under 10 minutes.
If you have a dog, this is a great opportunity to get them involved. If you don’t, why not be the dog yourself? …There’s a joke in there somewhere but it’s early and I can’t find it. Anyway, all you have to do is take a paper grocery bag and fit it around your torso. Or around your dog’s torso. If you are being the dog (Seriously joke, just come out of hiding already. I give up. You win.) then either use eyeliner to give yourself a doggy nose and whiskers, or print out a cartoon puppy face from the internet and tape it over your own real face. Because who needs vision anyway.
The food variety, not the Fergie variety. This one’s a snap (as in pea…snap pea… ….I’ll show myself out). Smudge heavy black eyeliner all over your eyes. Really go to town with it. Think Avril Lavigne in the mid-2000s. That’s the quantity you want. Once it’s applied, use your fingers to smudge it all the way up to your eyebrows, and all the way down to your cheekbones. Then grab a can or bag of peas and you’re ready to Halloween it up.
So what do you think, can you see yourself dressing up as any of these? Do you already have a better costume planned? And most importantly, WHICH ONE OF THESE SHOULD I BE HAAAAALP.
—The Wife in Training