Last night after eating shredded cheese out of the bag and drinking $3 Chuck preparing a healthy and well-balanced meal for myself, something terrible happened.
I finished the last Game of Thrones book.
Maybe that’s slightly dramatic – this is not the end of my life per se, and there are lots of other book fish in the (Dothraki) sea. I actually just talked about them last week. It’s just going to be difficult to find a new plotline to fill my heart the way Georgiepoo’s highly dysfunctional cast did. Anyway so I finished book five and I just really have A LOT of questions.
Disclaimer: I’d like to think the title of this post would make it pretty obvious that I’m about to talk about spoilers, so please please PLEASE stop reading (let it be known that this is the only time I will ever recommend this) if you don’t want to know the secrets of the Westerosi universe. I don’t want you to read this post and get mad at me for blowing anything (teeheehee) even though I just warned you and then have you troll me online because honestly I’m way too emotionally fragile to deal with that since Andy’s been out of town all week and I won’t get to see him ‘til his plane lands at 10 p.m. tomorrow night so I’m just feeling a little bit sensitive and high strung so everyone please just let’s all be friends okay?! PHEW.
Questions I Have After Finishing Game of Thrones
Where did Varys go for all that time? Why is he so angry? I mean besides the obvious parts that he’s missing, that would make me angry too. When did Varys go off and find a Targaryen to rally behind?
Is Cersei really suddenly so meek and mild after her naked walk of shame atonement? I kind of don’t buy her complete character shift, I think she’s playing the part everyone wants her to play, and then she’s probably going to murder everyone who hasn’t already been murdered in books six and seven. So, like three people.
Is Daenerys the khalesi again? And now maybe her and her Dothraki minions are all set to mozee on over to Westeros on horseback and take the Iron Throne with their heavy eyeliner and leather chaps and dirty hair? Those folks sure do spend a lot of time with those horses, and I’ve read Equus, sooo….
I thought Aegon Targaryen was dead? Wait, no, there are two Aegons? Old Man Aegon and Baby Aegon, son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark? No, not Lyanna Stark, Elia Martell. Right? I confuse those two, they’re both dead. So Baby Aegon is actually alive but everyone thought he was killed by The Hound’s brother The Mountain when The Mountain was working for the Lannisters and raped and murdered Elia Martell then killed her two children? But one of the two children actually survived, and he is Aegon (Baby Aegon, not Old Man Aegon) and now the Targaryens have two claims to the Iron Throne? This family is ridiculous, I need a flow chart.
George, why did you have to rip of The Lion King like that? Don’t act like people won’t get it, they totally will. You can’t just write Daenerys’ grassland hallucinations and rip off the most meaningful and memorable line from the most famous and beloved Disney movie of all time. “Remember who you are Simba Daenerys.” You just cant.
Who are all the opponents as they stand today? I don’t want to forget anyone. White Walkers versus …not John – BTW George thanks a bunch for killing the last hot one – I guess Stannis and whoever else is left at the wall? Daenerys and Baby Aegon versus the Lannisters for the Iron Throne? Varys versus Littlefinger for secret control over the Iron Throne?
—The Wife in Training