Inner monologue of an anonymous driver during DFW’s icepocalypse

I can do this. I can totally do this.

I wish I worked from home, then I wouldn’t have to go out driving in this mess. It probably doesn’t mean anything that I’ve slipped seven times and I’m not even out of the neighborhood. That weird sound my brakes are making? Meh. Not important right now.

Crap. Hey, uh, guys? Could you slow down? I need to merge. Woah hey there Mister Semi, dude you need to slow way down. What part of ice don’t you understand?

Great, I forgot to get gas last week. Can I make it to work? Hmm, that’s cutting it close. What if there’s traffic? Better stop at QT.

Hello cheesy egg and sausage breakfast sandwich.

Alright, here we go. Onto the freeway. This isn’t so bad, 30 miles per hour is a lovely speed when you’re surrounded by giant monster cars and black ice.

How the heck did I forget about that huge raised ramp ahead? I wonder if I can still get to work if I don’t get on it. No, that would send me east, but I need to go north. Wait, work is north, right? Where am I?

Slow and steady, slow and steady. You got this. You’re doing great. Just keep going up the ramp, don’t worry about the 4 inches of frozen tundra you’re driving on. Oh my word it’s bumpy, why is the ice bumpy? Ice, I really need you to hold still while I’m driving 50 yards above ground.

Bumpy. Bumpy. Bumpy.

Never in my life have I wished I could stay locked up going stir-crazy in my house until this moment.

Whyyyyyy is there so much ice, this isn’t supposed to happen in Texas.

I don’t mean to be dramatic or anything, but I’ve been treacherously navigating up here for 15 minutes and this is literally the worst thing in the world.

FREE. Off the overpass, I am alive. This is literally the best thing in the world.

Second raised overpass. Psshhht. This is nothing, I got this.

*Drives onto second overpass, swerves uncontrollably*

HOLYCRAP I so do not got this. Jesus take the wheel!

Wait, where did the lane markings go?! I can’t see a freaking thing! *car slides violently, precariously suspended on overpass in midair* That’s it, I’m definitely going to die. This is the end.

Oh my gosh I made it. I made it to work and I am alive. I made it to work and I am alive and it only took…

An hour and 45 minutes.

Looks like I’ll be sleeping here tonight.


Leave a Reply