Inappropriate Descriptions with Lindsay

And now it’s time for Silly Songs with Larry Inappropriate Descriptions with Lindsay, the part of the show internet where Larry Lindsay sings a silly song inappropriately describes things.


Scarlett from Nashville
What the world sees: sweet, young bohemian ingénue
What Lindsay sees: drug-addicted fairy child in need of some hairspray coming off a weekend-long drug binge


Rush Hour Traffic Jams
What the world sees: a daily pain in the butt, but normal part of life
What Lindsay sees: an opportunity to unleash her inner psychopathic aggressive monster

caffeine beverages

What the world sees: a way to ease the transition from asleep to awake
What Lindsay sees: recreational drug


What the world sees: a delicious vegetable (fruit?) to put on hamburgers
What Lindsay sees: a slimy, disgusting abomination of an insult to delicious foods everywhere – this is basically a colored, flavored, naturally grown snot rocket that people find acceptable to eat


My Mouth
What the world sees: …I don’t know, lipstick?
What Lindsay sees: oh nothing much at all, just the small, minuscule matter of MY UNEVEN BOTTOM LIP. Look at it people, LOOK AT IT.


What the world sees: a convenient form of correspondence with other humans
What Lindsay sees: Crap, what do these people want from me now?


Massage Chain Salon
What the world sees: Massage Envy
What Lindsay sees: Penis Envy


Meeting new Friends
What the world sees: a pleasant way to share the common experience of being human
What Lindsay sees: a perfectly acceptable person with whom I can share the most intimate details of my life including, but not limited to, my cats’ irregular bowel movements, the fact that I may or may not be wearing a bra and my period.


Happy Friday, friends.
—The Wife in Training


  • please do this more frequently because it’s spot on.

    totally agree with tomatoes and after your snot rocket description, i now know i will never ever grow to like them.

    • Reply April 6, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      Snot rocket. Tomatoes. Gross gross gross gross gross. Sick nasty.

  • Now I have veggie tales songs in my head, which is weird because I had the theme song stuck in my head yesterday. Also, tomatoes are disgusting unless chopped up extremely small or in ketchup.

    • Reply April 6, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      Veeeeeeeggie Taaaaaaaaales, Veeeeeggie Taaaaaaaales, Veeeeeeeggie Taaaaaaales, Ve-ggie Tales.

  • I totally agree on tomatoes and Scarlett from Nashville…..I don’t find her all that interesting of a character and def needs some help….And tomatoes? Just no lol

    • Reply April 6, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      I loved her before! But now she’s like a little lost pixie and I just want her to safely get home to whatever fairy glen she came from.

  • Reply April 6, 2015

    chelsea jacobs

    The most accurate description of Scarlett ever.

    • Reply April 6, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      Haha thanks!

  • Reply April 6, 2015


    I finally had a chance to read this and I LOVE ITand it made my day so much better.

  • Reply April 8, 2015


    LIVE nashville. Scarlett is kind of weird. She’s never been my favorite. and I totally want to steal this blog post idea if that’s okay with you!

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