And now it’s time for Silly Songs with Larry Inappropriate Descriptions with Lindsay, the part of the show internet where Larry Lindsay sings a silly song inappropriately describes things.
Scarlett from Nashville
What the world sees: sweet, young bohemian ingénue
What Lindsay sees: drug-addicted fairy child in need of some hairspray coming off a weekend-long drug binge
Rush Hour Traffic Jams
What the world sees: a daily pain in the butt, but normal part of life
What Lindsay sees: an opportunity to unleash her inner psychopathic aggressive monster
What the world sees: a way to ease the transition from asleep to awake
What Lindsay sees: recreational drug
What the world sees: a delicious vegetable (fruit?) to put on hamburgers
What Lindsay sees: a slimy, disgusting abomination of an insult to delicious foods everywhere – this is basically a colored, flavored, naturally grown snot rocket that people find acceptable to eat
What the world sees: …I don’t know, lipstick?
What Lindsay sees: oh nothing much at all, just the small, minuscule matter of MY UNEVEN BOTTOM LIP. Look at it people, LOOK AT IT.
What the world sees: a convenient form of correspondence with other humans
What Lindsay sees: Crap, what do these people want from me now?
Massage Chain Salon
What the world sees: Massage Envy
What Lindsay sees: Penis Envy
Meeting new Friends
What the world sees: a pleasant way to share the common experience of being human
What Lindsay sees: a perfectly acceptable person with whom I can share the most intimate details of my life including, but not limited to, my cats’ irregular bowel movements, the fact that I may or may not be wearing a bra and my period.
Happy Friday, friends.
—The Wife in Training