I’m a Bad Wife

Listen up y’all because things are getting real today. Yes, I know I’ve been conspicuously absent this week. I’m lazy, I’m sorry. Yes, I know it’s Thursday and that’s basically Friday and Fridays or gray-area Thursdays aren’t days for deep thoughts. I’m sorry for that as well. Yes I know that lists are way better if you list three things rather than two because hello high school AP English. I’m sorry that the third item in my list was actually just for looks and contains no intellectual merit.

So here’s the thing: sometimes Andy and I fight. Sometimes over really stupid things. Though in my own mind I am an endless stream of pure sunshine and rainbows every waking hour, my sweet, darling husband occasionally lets me know that this is not the case. We always make up after a disagreement, but I never want to get to the place in our relationship where we are more consumed by nitpickiness and quick-to-anger-ness than we are willing to extend grace, forgiveness and love.

Yesterday I read a post over at An Auspicious Adventure on how to fight without being mean, and it got me good. Andy and I aren’t the best at fighting, especially because sometimes all I want to do is punch him in the throat. We’re dramatic, we’re stubborn and we both really like to be right. But it shouldn’t be about being right, it should be about loving each other wholly and completely, and working toward a common goal: making our relationship stronger. And I also probably shouldn’t punch him in the throat. That sounds like spousal abuse, so…yeah…let’s not.

With that in mind, here are some areas where I personally could stand to grow and improve when it comes to marital…disagreement.

 

love

 

Guard your tongue. I’ll be honest with you, fighting isn’t fun and if you’re anything like me, you get emotional and if you’re not careful might say something dramatic and/or hurtful that you don’t mean.  Example:
Andy: “I really wish you’d keep the closet door shut so the cats don’t get in there.”
Me: “Oh my gosh you blame everything on me and you never consider my feelings wahhhh.”
(note: dialogue exaggerated for emphasis)

Listen more than you speak. I could REALLY stand to work on this one. Like Casey wrote in her post, men want to solve the problem and move on, women want to be heard and emotionally understood. I tend to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk in an effort to make Andy understand how I feel. That’s great and all, and he does a wonderful job at trying to understand my feelings. But ultimately, I need to listen with both ears and my whole heart, be quick to forgive, and move on when he is ready to rather than letting myself feel like I haven’t been “heard.” I have been.

Assume the best about your partner. His intentions, the meaning behind his words, everything.

You’re not perfect. Woof, hello. This is a tough pill to swallow, because like I said…I’m pure joy and sunshine every waking hour. Nope. Not the case. I can be rude, obstinate and sometimes I’m just plain wrong. Due to aforementioned stubbornness, this can be difficult for me to admit, but it’s absolutely essential for personal growth. I’m not perfect, I have vast room to improve as both a wife and as a human.

Give forgiveness freely. Seriously, give it to everyone. To your partner, to the car that cut you off in traffic this morning, to the girl who stole your brand new Lisa Frank pencil in fourth grade, to everyone. Sorry, tangent, let’s talk about marriage again. Give forgiveness quickly and easily, and mean it. Forgiveness isn’t like exclamation points, you aren’t limited to 1,000 to last for your entire life. You have an unlimited supply, your well of forgiveness never has to run dry. Make it rain with that shiz.

I didn’t write this post to fool you into thinking I’m a great wife. In fact, just the opposite. It is a reminder to myself that I need to work in this area. No one has a perfect marriage, including us, and no one is perfect, including me. But I always want to be working toward being the best wife I possibly can, because I love Andy more than anyone and anything, and he deserves nothing less.

And that’s all I have to say today.
—The Wife in Training

15 Comments

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    Juliette

    I think I need to save this post because I know it will come in handy someday since I’m bad at fighting too. My first instinct is to just give the silent treatment which is just SO MATURE. Kudos to you for realizing the areas that need work. This is too serious and I feel like I need to lighten the mood by telling you I just passed gas.

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    Kimberley

    I am guilty of fighting with my husband, and not the healthy kind of fighting. I quickly tailspin into dramatics. It’s hard to spend so much time with someone (and in each other’s space) and not get frustrated or dramatic at times. At our wedding someone suggested if we are having a big fight, not to get mean and to do something silly like throw kleenex at each other, because it’s hard to stay mad when that’s happening!

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    chelsea @ the new wifestyle

    excellent post and i struggle most with guarding this here sharp tongue of mine. my husband already has this down really well and is able to keep his emotions in check, be civil and calm and sometimes that is what riles me up. i know…it’s ridiculous. sometimes i’m like “just get worked up, jeeeeez!” but then i realize he’s working hard on fighting fairly and i should appreciate that and not want the drama from him. i have enough of that to go around.

    good reminder that these are things i need to work on too!

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    Valery

    Ugh, guilty as charged. I’m really good about going on and on about why I’m upset AFTER my husband has already apologized. Terrible habit.

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    Rachel

    I want to print this off and give this to all of my engaged friends. And save a copy for myself. SO TRUE. I get so caught up in making him understand how I feel sometimes, when it’s not going to accomplish anything by talking and talking and talking. It just makes him mad over time. Women and men are SO DIFFERENT it’s scary.

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    Leslie @ Martin Manifesto

    Great post…and one I’ll need to read and re-read over and over again, I’m sure! I tend to withdraw when the husband I a disagree. I KNOW the solution lies in communication, but I just don’t FEEL like talking…childish much?!!? Haha. Thanks for the great reminders!

  • Reply September 11, 2014

    Faith

    I’m bad at fighting, like really bad at it. I’m currently unhappy with Justin and I probably couldn’t have read this at a better time.
    I need to repeat to myself right now ‘I will not be a bitch, I will not be a bitch, I will not…’

    I’m with J, I think I’m going to bookmark this post. Dammit Lindsay. Now I feel like I’m not all sunshine, rainbows, lollipops, and unicorns and that MAYBE, just maybe I’m not always right. Le sigh.

  • Reply September 12, 2014

    Jess | Just Jess May

    Can I just start by saying that anyone who openly claims that they could easily punch their partner in the throat has the potential to be my friend for life!
    I write about relationships on my blog and ditto, sometimes I could just deck my partner. I’m bad at the silent fight, the “I’m fine” spiel and then I go and hide in the bedroom, wait for him to come and find me then break down in tears, blaming everything on him. SO NOT THE CASE!
    Luckily for me he’s super patient. Meh, don’t judge me. I’m working on it!

  • Reply September 12, 2014

    Sevi

    Lindsay! This was the truth. Everything about this was exactly what I needed to read, because sometimes it just sucks to fight. Thank you for putting it all into perspective!

  • Reply September 12, 2014

    Becca @ Becoming Adorrable

    Thank for the reminder. It’s always needed.

  • Reply September 12, 2014

    Bridget Mullins

    Give forgiveness freely. Best. Message. Ever. Thank you!!

  • Reply September 12, 2014

    Natalie @ Never Serious Blog

    Well I’m like really really good at fighting and I actually AM perfect soooooo I probably don’t have anything to say here.

    JK. I just respond really awkwardly to seriousness and then I read all the comments and it was STILL serious (except for when Juliette farted) and so I had to implement sarcasm IMMEDIATELY.

    But really though, wanting to strangle your husband is apparently very normal. And also I love you a little bit. And I love Hess for NOT throat punching you. See? You’re the perfect match.

  • Reply September 12, 2014

    Olya

    I totally get this. Sometimes I go crazy during a fight and a few hours later, I think “did we really just fight about that? That’s so stupid!” Thanks for the reminder to hold my tongue. :)

  • Reply September 15, 2014

    Alyssa

    1. I love everything about this. It’s always good to be reminded of these things!!
    2. Stubborn and dramatic?? You??
    3. I’ll believe that you forgave a terrible driver when I see it… Cough never.
    4. “Woof”

  • Reply September 29, 2014

    shannon @ gin & bare it

    ok yes except to the bitch that stole that lisa frank pencil because that shit is unforgivable.

    also – i don’t think it’s all that terrible to let the mean feelings out. it’s honest and a little raw but i’d rather have the whole of it then a sugar coated version that might just end up exploding along down the line.

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