So my in-laws have sold their house and will be staying with us for a few days this weekend. They’re wonderful people, I’m very fortunate to have married into such a great family. As they also live in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, they’ve never stayed in our house overnight…because they have their own home to go sleep in. But since they’re moving out on Saturday, we invited them to stay with us for a bit. Naturally, I want to make their stay as comfortable and enjoyable as possible, so today I’ve put together a few tips for hosting happy houseguests!
Make Sure Their Room is Comfortable and Inviting
Vacuum the cat hair off the floor. Make sure there’s space in the closet for them to store some things. Put clean sheets on their bed. Buy a few extra light bulbs for any lamps in the bedroom. Stack a few extra blankets near the bed, in case they get cold in the night. Leave a candle burning so the room smells nice. Install surveillance cameras in the room so they know you’re actively monitoring their comfort level at all times.
Leave Them Thoughtful Notes
Remember how on the first day of school your mom would write you a little note in your lunch, even though all the other seniors made fun of you for a) still having your mom pack your lunch, and b) crying over the note because it was your last first day of school and you weren’t emotionally prepared to deal with that and also you just really love your mom?
…just me then? That’s cool.
Anyway, this is kind of like that. I like to leave little notes on the guest bed, letting your houseguest know things like, “I’m so happy to have you here!” or, “The Wi-Fi password is…” or, “I’m watching your every move through the keyhole in the door, hahaha!” All of these will put your houseguest at ease in your home.
Clean the House
That tumbleweed of cat hair rolling around your living room? Yeah, it’s got to go. No one likes to walk into a house that could double as a cocaine den, so make sure to tidy up a bit. For me, this means hiding all my empty wine bottles in the private, outside garage trash can and making sure I didn’t leave any discarded bras lying around in strange places.
Similarly, Make Sure the Bathroom is Clean and Well-Stocked
Let’s be honest, no one likes to clean the bathroom. It’s gross, and the faceless shadow monster that lives behind the shower curtain is, frankly, terrifying. But for the sake of your houseguest’s comfort, you’ve got to (wo)man up and vanquish these everyday bathroom foes. Clean the sink to make it sparkle and shine. Stock the shower with shampoo, conditioner and soap. Leave clean, freshly laundered towels in the cabinets. Scrub that questionable ring of black stuff off the toilet bowl. Leave some Poo-pourri in there so your guests can poop without fear of awakening aforementioned faceless shadow monster with the smell.
Cook Their Favorite Foods
Everyone loves comfort food, and treating your guest to their favorite meal is a fantastic way to help them feel comfortable in your home. From homemade spaghetti to fried chicken from scratch, there are endless delicious ways to please your guest’s palate and leave them feeling full and happy. Don’t know what your houseguest’s favorite food is? Hide in their bushes and secretly watch them through their window with military-grade binoculars for a week or two to find out!
Let Them Know You’re Glad They’re There
My love language is physical touch, so when guests come into my home I like to let them know I’m happy to have them largely in the same way that the creepy men in Las Vegas clubs like to hit on women – by touching their bodies without asking. Wrap them up in a big ol’ bear hug, before they’ve even had a chance to set down their bags. During the surprise hugging, it’s a good idea to demonstrate how much you enjoy your houseguest’s presence by making deep, throaty moaning noises and letting your hands wander a little bit. Trust me, they’ll love it!
So there you have it! Follow these simple tips and you’ll have the happiest of houseguests. They probably won’t even break down your front door and run away screaming into the night!
—The Wife in Training