[Lights up on a dark stage. A woman sits, phone in hand, highlighted by a single spotlight. Cue ringing phone.]
Hello, Very Popular Fort Worth Spa and Salon, how can I help you?
Oh, um, hi. Sir. I’d like to book an appointment.
Great, can I get your name?
Lindsay Hess – I’m Donna’s client.
Great, what day and time would you like to schedule your appointment?
I was thinking this Saturday at 9 AM if she’s available?
She is. Let me get you all set up in the system. And what kind of service are we scheduling with Donna?
[Cue exaggerated, drawn-out pause. The audience should really feel the tension.]
Yes, I’m here.
[Another pause. The tension is palpable.]
Ugh…It’s just weird and uncomfortable telling you, because you’re, you know… a man. And not even a man, but a stranger. A stranger man. I’ve never met you, you’re obviously new here, what happened to Linda? I used to talk to Linda. You and I don’t know anything about each other, we are total strangers. It’s just kind of weird to tell you, a man, that I want to schedule a (insert intimate lady spa service that hails from south of the equator).
Oh! No ma’am, I’m so sorry, it’s not awkward at all.
Well now it is because I just made it so.
[laughs] Please don’t worry ma’am, we ensure complete client confidentiality.
Yes, confidentiality is obviously my concern especially when I decide to go and share it with the whole wide internet. Take your penis and get the heck outta dodge, I want to talk to a lady about lady services, okay?! OKAY. THANKYOUVERYMUCH.