Happy Oscars, everyone! It just so happens that yours truly spent her winter doing every thing under the cloud cover BUT watching Oscar-nominated movies. So I thought today it might be fun to give the Lindsay interpretation of the Best Picture noms, without having ever seen any of them.
Buckle up, friends.
Dallas Buyers Club
Matthew McConaughey is very, very thin and is looking for a prostitute. Jared Leto channels Angel in Rent and makes a prettier woman than I’ll ever be. There is a 98% chance they sing Seasons of Love at the end.
12 Years a Slave
For brief synopsis, see title. I’m gonna be ruuul honest here, I have absolutely zero desire to see this movie. Zip. Zilch. I have a good reason, I promise: I simply don’t like to watch things that I know will make me feel very, very sad. Same goes with things that will make me feel very, very scared, for the record. I know I’m probably supposed to feel very, very sad, I know slavery was a very, very sad time in our history, I just… I don’t want to feel very, very sad, okay?
Jennifer Lawrence wears intricate updos, Christian Bale is a con artist and Amy Adams befriends the plunging neckline. They are all in cahoots on the whole scamming thing, mostly so they can afford to pay Jennifer Lawrence’s astronomical hairspray bill.
“I’m on a boat!” But things are somewhat less than ideal because Tom Hanks is attacked by pirates and they’re not even the sexy pirates from Black Sails. Things escalate quickly, Tom Hanks saves the crew, lots of controversy because apparently he wasn’t a good captain in real life, drama drama drama. Meh. Pass.
Now, I do know what this one is about and it scares the s-h-you-know-what out of me. Sandra Bullock is the world’s worst astronaut and, through a series of unfortunate events, gets lost in space. Maybe forever. Nope. Nope nope nope. Sandy should’ve stuck to hairspraying her bikini line undercover in beauty pageants. Can I get an amen?
Joaquin Pheonix rips off the Big Bang episode where Raj falls in love with Siri. Been there, seen that plotline.
…..is a corn-filled place in the Midwest. And apparently now a renowned film.
I honestly have no idea….. Bueller?
The Wolf of Wall Street
Con artists for the win this year. Leonardo DiCaprio is a charismatic leader-type who convinces people to give him lots and lots of money. Skinny Jonah Hill drinks the Koolaid and together they say a crap ton of bad words in a very short amount of time.
So which one am I rooting for? Well let me tell you. The true best picture according to little mussus Wife in Training is:
August: Osage County
I seriously thought this was nominated for Best Picture, and when I started researching for this post (read: looking up the names of the movies I didn’t watch), I was shocked and appalled that it wasn’t on the list. Basically I don’t want to live in America anymore.
When I heard they were doing a film adaptation of the genius Tracy Letts’ Pulitzer Prize-winning play I was nervous, but 100% in. I studied the script during my college theatre major days (sadly no matter how many freaking times I clicked my heels I never magically transported to NYC to see it live). Let’s all put our theatre nerd hats on for just a minute; I believe that plays are meant to be watched and experienced, not made into film. That’s just a risk and a half – there’s something intangible about the magic of live theatre that film will simply never capture.
This film adaptation exceeded my expectations to infinity and beyond. I cried about eleven bazillion times. And surprise surprise, Meryl Streep was in-freaking-credible, per usual.
And that’t that. Cheers to everyone watching at home. May your wine glasses be full, may Ellen steal the show and may the best film win.
– The Wife in Training