While I would love to sit here and tell you I’ve been hitting the gym after work to maintain overall health, strengthen my heart and be my best self or some crap like that but the truth is, girlfriend’s had a little too much pinot grig and Pioneer Woman-type food since the wedding. Summer’s coming up, and I’m tired of all the wrong parts jiggling.
But don’t you worry, all this fitnessing hasn’t gone to waste. I’ve learned a lot in my time at the gym, knowledge that I will now share with you. Like Ghandi. You’re welcome.
Don’t make small talk
People will not be amused. They will not think you’re funny. Especially not those two guido-types with 175 lb. weights in each hand who are sweating profusely as you awkwardly put away your five-pounders. They will stare at you. You will stare back. There will be silence. For the love of God, do not tell them they’re “doing a good job.” It will be awkward for everyone involved.
More is better
One day playing with the scary-looking arm machine thingy will not produce Meryl Davis arms, but two months? Perhaps. It really sucks because I’m super bad at it and the marathon runner over on the treadmill is totally judging me and my 10-pound reps. But like Dorie said, just keep swimming going.
Dress code is flexible
Yesterday I dressed like a frat brother in my mom’s hand-me-down neon pink shorts and faded sorority beach tank. Plus, sometimes I don’t wear a bra. Okay, not technically, but a sports bra is damn near close to no bra at all.
I will never be one of those people who “enjoys” exercise
Look self, it’s just not in the cards for you. You hate to sweat, you hate to be in pain and you really hate to exert yourself in any way, ever. Basically if you’re not relaxing with your cute husband, some friends and a full glass of wine in your hand, you are less than 100% happy.
Sure, the day will start innocently enough. Healthy breakfast, check. Good attitude and ready to take on the working out-ness, check. Embarrassing makeshift gym bag that everyone thinks is a diaper bag, check. Then 3 PM comes, and I basically would rather be Cersei in A Dance with Dragons than go to the gym. Sorry gym, it’s not you, it’s me.
Jay kay it’s totally you.
Set the mood
Some people like to listen to music while they work out. I personally don’t, because the earbuds feel sweaty and dirty and I want to sing along and I can’t or else the previously mentioned guido-types start to stare at me. More. I like to turn on the E! Channel and share the magic that is Giuliana Rancic with everyone in the gym. Her skinniness makes me run faster. Or something. You’re welcome, fellow workout friends.
Speaking of music, it’s time to back that azz up with Miss Yoga Pants herself. My weekend jam is technically about sex, sure, but I can’t help but strut my stuff when I hear this song, whether I’m at the gym or hanging out at home drinking wine from a box.