20 Good Reasons to Judge Me

Look, judging others is wrong. We all know that by now. But, I’m just saying…I probably deserve it.

 

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Sometimes I pee with the bathroom door open. But not in public. Anymore.

I have very poor spending habits. Instead of buying a quality item that might cost more, but will last forever, I buy a $4 tank top from Walmart and bemoan the universe when it falls apart. But then other times I’ll buy a $100 antique oak bar cart on a whim. I am a financial enigma.

A few weeks ago I turned away the poor local band kids who were selling fundraiser coupon books door-to-door because they interrupted me preparing dinner (read: drinking wine).

One time I swallowed a quarter. It wasn’t that I didn’t know better, it’s just that my brother told me I couldn’t do it.

Last week, instead of cooking the very healthy chicken breasts I had waiting in a very delicious marinade in my fridge, I pretended like I forgot and picked up Chicken Express instead.

I think that a strong deodorant/perfume game is an adequate substitute for showering.

As a general rule, I would much rather stay in with my cats than go spend time with humans.

I didn’t think Napoleon Dynamite was very funny.

In Dublin this summer, I ate a kabob the size of my head in like 90 seconds.

Last Halloween, I got tired of obnoxious children knocking on my door so I turned the porch light off and then Andy and I ate the candy while we watched House.

I’m trying to exercise more, but sometimes when it gets really hard I just give up and pour a glass of wine instead.

…I just remembered that I have a 2/3 full bottle of wine in my fridge, and immediately cancelled any and all plans of productivity for this evening.

Last weekend instead of working on the rough draft of my new book, I watched YouTube videos for five hours.

Speaking of my books: I go through periods of extreme productivity and extreme inactivity. When I really push myself to focus, I can pump out 10k words in a day. When I allow myself to slack off, I lay around the house (probably without pants) doing legitimately nothing, simply staring at the words on the screen.

I consistently choose trashy reality TV (Real Housewives, Big Brother…the list goes on) over quality television programming.

Whenever I get a milkshake I always share some with the cats. While I’m still drinking it.

I can count on one hand the number of times I have played a video game in my life.

The other night I heard the cat throwing up (this is not unusual in our house) sometime around 2am, but pretended to be asleep so Andy would take care of it.

There is a good chance that me and my mass quantities of aerosol hairspray have singlehandedly expedited global warming.

Once I made Kraft macaroni and cheese with vanilla soy milk and tried to overcompensate by dumping in a fistful of garlic salt. It didn’t work.

—The Wife in Training

12 Comments

  • Reply September 30, 2015

    chelsea @ the new wifestyle

    omg. i can almost taste what mac-n-cheese would taste like with vanilla soy. GAG. i must tell you that when i saw napolean dynomite in my teen years i loved it. i watched it like 18 times. i just felt like i had to confess that to you but hope we can still be friends and drink wine. mthanks

    • Reply September 30, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      It was seriously so disgusting. That’s okay about Napoleon Dynamite, as long as you’re a fan of Zoolander? Also – I loved your “I promise” post today. Just wanted to tell you again on another channel.

  • Reply September 30, 2015

    Natalie @ Never Serious Blog

    THAT MAC AND CHEESE SOUNDS AWFUL.

    Also I will completely understand neglecting your awaiting marinading chicken IF you tell me you got corn nuggets.

    • Reply September 30, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      I’m going to laugh when later in your pregnancy Baby Z makes you crave vanilla soy milk mac n cheese. Muahahahahahaha.

      I have to tell you something: I don’t like the corn nuggets. BUT THAT’S OKAY IT ONLY MEANS THERE ARE MORE FOR YOU. Please love me still.

  • Reply September 30, 2015

    Kalyn

    I would be judging you if you didn’t share your milkshake with your cats. I share (nearly) everything with mine. Their faves: vanilla ice cream (Blue Bell, of course) and peanut butter.

    • Reply September 30, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      Those cats don’t know how good they have it! Mine never get peanut butter. Maybe I shall try it…..

  • Reply September 30, 2015

    amber

    THE QUARTER STORY. I love it. And I want to tell you that I had an appliance that expanded my upper jaw when I was in elementary school (teeth too big for mouth? make mouth bigger) and my best friend was super jealous. Sooooo, one night while we were tent camping at a local RV resort (glamorous) she decided to put a marble in her mouth and pretend it was her jaw expander. WELL, all was fine except for when it wasn’t. We were laying down in our sleeping bags and she made a weird noise then started crying. Her parents were sitting by the bonfire and heard (hi tents have NO privacy) and asked the issue. GIRL HAD SWALLOWED THE MARBLE. Her mom told her to stop crying and that it would be fine and we’d know she’d passed the marble when she pooped and there was a TINK in the toilet.

    That is all.

    • Reply September 30, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA That is what the doctor said to my very concerned parents as well.

  • Reply September 30, 2015

    Alyssa

    I love everything about this. (And you, obvi)

    • Reply September 30, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      I love everything about YOU.

  • Reply September 30, 2015

    chelsea jacobs

    “I am a financial enigma.” EXACTLY how I would describe myself.

    • Reply September 30, 2015

      Lindsay Landgraf Hess

      So glad I’m not the only one.

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