Look, judging others is wrong. We all know that by now. But, I’m just saying…I probably deserve it.
Sometimes I pee with the bathroom door open. But not in public. Anymore.
I have very poor spending habits. Instead of buying a quality item that might cost more, but will last forever, I buy a $4 tank top from Walmart and bemoan the universe when it falls apart. But then other times I’ll buy a $100 antique oak bar cart on a whim. I am a financial enigma.
A few weeks ago I turned away the poor local band kids who were selling fundraiser coupon books door-to-door because they interrupted me preparing dinner (read: drinking wine).
One time I swallowed a quarter. It wasn’t that I didn’t know better, it’s just that my brother told me I couldn’t do it.
Last week, instead of cooking the very healthy chicken breasts I had waiting in a very delicious marinade in my fridge, I pretended like I forgot and picked up Chicken Express instead.
I think that a strong deodorant/perfume game is an adequate substitute for showering.
As a general rule, I would much rather stay in with my cats than go spend time with humans.
I didn’t think Napoleon Dynamite was very funny.
In Dublin this summer, I ate a kabob the size of my head in like 90 seconds.
Last Halloween, I got tired of obnoxious children knocking on my door so I turned the porch light off and then Andy and I ate the candy while we watched House.
I’m trying to exercise more, but sometimes when it gets really hard I just give up and pour a glass of wine instead.
…I just remembered that I have a 2/3 full bottle of wine in my fridge, and immediately cancelled any and all plans of productivity for this evening.
Last weekend instead of working on the rough draft of my new book, I watched YouTube videos for five hours.
Speaking of my books: I go through periods of extreme productivity and extreme inactivity. When I really push myself to focus, I can pump out 10k words in a day. When I allow myself to slack off, I lay around the house (probably without pants) doing legitimately nothing, simply staring at the words on the screen.
I consistently choose trashy reality TV (Real Housewives, Big Brother…the list goes on) over quality television programming.
Whenever I get a milkshake I always share some with the cats. While I’m still drinking it.
I can count on one hand the number of times I have played a video game in my life.
The other night I heard the cat throwing up (this is not unusual in our house) sometime around 2am, but pretended to be asleep so Andy would take care of it.
There is a good chance that me and my mass quantities of aerosol hairspray have singlehandedly expedited global warming.
Once I made Kraft macaroni and cheese with vanilla soy milk and tried to overcompensate by dumping in a fistful of garlic salt. It didn’t work.
—The Wife in Training