Poser mashed potatoes are a lie from the pit of Hell

It has come to my attention that I do not always prepare the healthiest, skinny-friendliest food. This news comes to me from my pants, who refuse to button. Pants are assholes.

Because I’m too cheap and lazy to buy new pants, I’m going to try to cook healthier. Sometimes. Maybe. If I feel like it. This week is looking good though, I even bought some salmon.… that I have no idea how to cook.

I quickly learned that eating skinny-people food is hard, and skinniness totally doesn’t happen after you pour your failed skinny side dish down the garbage disposal.

Ugh.

The trouble started when I found a recipe for healthy, allegedly delicious, pseudo-mashed potatoes (imitation mashed cauliflower, to be precise) on Pinterest, land of culinary magic and domesticity enchantment. The picture looked pretty and it sounded yummy and everything on the internet is true, right?

Wrong. I was so wrong. I had no idea of the horrors that lay ahead.

Mock Garlic Mashed Potatoes

First of all, cauliflower is expensive. $3.99 for a head of the white crap everyone ignores on the vegetable platter? Get real Albertson’s.

Second of all, it smells like butt. Worse than butt. Like butt that… Nevermind. I’ll quit before I get an angry phone call from my mom.

The recipe told me to sauté the cauliflower pieces on the stove, then put them into the blender/food processor with butter and the world’s measliest portion of cream cheese.

photo photo0.2 photo2 photo3 photo4I tasted the cauliflower atrocity, and then immediately proceeded to dry heave over the sink for three minutes.

Learn from my mistakes, people.

Shoutout to Pinterest for my newfound mashed potato trust issues.

6 Comments

  • Reply November 19, 2013

    Chelsea Humphries

    My parents love that cauliflower junk, I hate it.

    6 oz. portion of salmon cooks in a 425 degree oven in 12-14 mins depending on how thick it is. Scale side down on aluminum foil, dusted with Cavendar’s Greek Seasoning. After the cooking is done scales should stay on the aluminum foil.

    • Reply November 19, 2013

      Chelsea Humphries

      By the way, if you see a slightly simular recipie for parsnips, run… don’t ask questions, just run.

      • Reply November 21, 2013

        lindsaylandgraf

        I heard that about parsnips too! I don’t actually even know what parsnips are, so hopefully I’m safe. ;)

  • Reply November 19, 2013

    Melissa Swink

    You could always give up on the healthy/skinny food & get a belly band. I bought this miraculous item so that I didn’t have to buy a bunch of maternity pants. It looks like a tube top, you put it on over the top of your unbuttoned pants….and Voila! Instant stretchy pants! Not the sexiest item, but hey, who needs sexy when you are eating yummy, fattening food?!

    I sure do miss having funny conversations with you!

    • Reply November 21, 2013

      lindsaylandgraf

      Melissa, whaatttt is this magical belly band and why didn’t I know about it sooner?! I’m going online to buy one immediately. I’ll probably have to rush ship it so it gets here in time for Thanksgiving, but it sounds totally worth it. And I miss you too!

  • […] when I attempt new things it doesn’t turn out well. I sauté when I should boil, I have no idea how corn starch works and sometimes things just straight up fall flat in my face. […]

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