It has come to my attention that I do not always prepare the healthiest, skinny-friendliest food. This news comes to me from my pants, who refuse to button. Pants are assholes.
Because I’m too cheap and lazy to buy new pants, I’m going to try to cook healthier. Sometimes. Maybe. If I feel like it. This week is looking good though, I even bought some salmon.… that I have no idea how to cook.
I quickly learned that eating skinny-people food is hard, and skinniness totally doesn’t happen after you pour your failed skinny side dish down the garbage disposal.
The trouble started when I found a recipe for healthy, allegedly delicious, pseudo-mashed potatoes (imitation mashed cauliflower, to be precise) on Pinterest, land of culinary magic and domesticity enchantment. The picture looked pretty and it sounded yummy and everything on the internet is true, right?
Wrong. I was so wrong. I had no idea of the horrors that lay ahead.
First of all, cauliflower is expensive. $3.99 for a head of the white crap everyone ignores on the vegetable platter? Get real Albertson’s.
Second of all, it smells like butt. Worse than butt. Like butt that… Nevermind. I’ll quit before I get an angry phone call from my mom.
The recipe told me to sauté the cauliflower pieces on the stove, then put them into the blender/food processor with butter and the world’s measliest portion of cream cheese.
Learn from my mistakes, people.
Shoutout to Pinterest for my newfound mashed potato trust issues.