Feeeeeeeeeel the smiting

This week I had a major kitchen failure. It was really gross, even Andy didn’t eat it.

Well, not all of it, at least.

This just goes to show, the moment you get all big-headed and haughty and think “I can totally do the water boiling and the macaroni-from-a-box cooking and the PopTart making,” you will be smited for your arrogance.

Some recipes I try are so sinfully good that I just totally lose control of myself and wake up the next morning pregnant with a food baby, wondering how the heck my bra got stuck all the way up on the ceiling fan.

This recipe was nothing like that.

I tried to make the Pioneer Woman’s beef with snow peas. I mean, how delicious does that look?!

It looks very delicious.

It probably tastes very delicious when she cooks it.

Because she probably knows what she’s doing.

And what cornstarch is.

I mean, what? Who said that?

*googles cornstarch and clears browser history*

I followed the recipe. Chop green onions, mince fresh ginger, thinly slice some flank steak against the grain.

photoI’m not sure what this “against the grain” business is, but it’s freaking hard.

Next you mix up the yummy-looking sauce-to-be. I rebelled against PW’s bowl instructions, opting for a shakeable mason jar rather than a mixing bowl. Because life is better shaken, not stirred, or something profound like that. (Maybe that’s where I went wrong?) I added half the saucy wench mixture to the meat and let it sit for a while, per the instructions.

photo2 photo3Here’s where it things get fuzzy: Put meat in a hot skillet. Check. Pour in remaining half of sauce/juice stuff. Check. Stir. Check.

photo4How could things go so totally wrong that it ended up tasting like the charred remains of a construction truck that hit a baby deer and spontaneously combusted in a fiery hellball of flaming, poisonous gas?

At least it looked pretty.

photo5Disclaimer: I did not actually use snow peas. I could not for love or money find them at the stupid grocery store, not in the fresh OR frozen produce sections, and on top of all that I was mad at them because they lied in their advertisement about some 40% off Texas wine sale, and I talked to the manager and he was sooo not amused and then I started sobbing hysterically and frightening small children and Andy doesn’t even really like snow peas anyway. Pick your battles, friends.


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