Happy Hump Day y’all!
I hope you’re feeling as joyous and content as I am today, but lezbihonest you’re probably not because you didn’t get to eat bacon-wrapped, cream cheese-stuffed jalapeños yesterday like I did.
BUT DON’T LOSE HEART. There’s still hope for tomorrow – I’m going to show you how you can
instantly gain a million pounds and make these bacon-wrapped bites of deliciousness yourself.
Stuff You Need to Buy
Cream cheese (you COULD get that Neufchawhatsit stuff that’s allegedly better for you, but….is this really the time to be all hippie-crunchy-granola-health-conscious?)
First things first, you should get a friendly neighborhood cat to
help you unload groceries lounge about lazily and ruthlessly gnaw on your only reusable grocery bag while you bust your balls hauling heavy things to and fro in the kitchen. This is my cat Maverick; he is useless, but adorable and I will rent him out to you for a nominal fee.
With the help of your cat, lop off the tops of your jalapeños, then slice them in halfsies hot dog-style. Unless you are a masochist or hate yourself, I would recommend removing the seeds and membranes. I used that handy dandy little jalapeño corer below, but a spoon and some aggressive scooping should do the trick.
Yum yum yum, now things are getting exciting. Scoop a healthy spoonful of cream cheese into each pepper half, and spread it out so it’s all even. Try your best to keep your monster kitties from licking the cream cheese, that’s sick nasty.
OH MY GOSH I’M GETTING EXCITED HERE COMES THE BACON. Lovingly, tenderly and delicately, wrap each of your precious jalapeño-cream-cheese babies with bacon. Wrap ‘em aaaaaaaalllllllll up in that shiz.
Yeah, just like that, don’t stop, yes, yes! YES!
(“I’ll have what she’s having.”)
Now it’s business time – you’re ready to cook these gorgeous little bites of Heaven. I used a stovetop grill pan, but any old sauté pan should work, too. When things get snappy, crackly and poppy you should get excited because very good things are happening.
As for the bacon grease: drink it, bathe in it, I don’t care. You do you, honey.
HOLY YUM ON A STICK LOOK AT THESE LITTLE DARLINGS.
My heart attack should be arriving any day now, and it’s going to be totally worthsies.
PRO TIP: make more than you think you need because as the old adage goes, if you wrap it in bacon they will come. What the heck Husband you think I made these for you? One more step towards my precious bacon babies and I. Will. Cut. You.
Alright I’m off to
work out eat more bacon gotta go BYE.
-The Wife in Training