Bacon-Wrapped, Cream Cheese-Stuffed Jalapeño Poppers

Happy Hump Day y’all!

I hope you’re feeling as joyous and content as I am today, but lezbihonest you’re probably not because you didn’t get to eat bacon-wrapped, cream cheese-stuffed jalapeños yesterday like I did.

BUT DON’T LOSE HEART. There’s still hope for tomorrow – I’m going to show you how you can instantly gain a million pounds and make these bacon-wrapped bites of deliciousness yourself.

 

Had-me-at-Bacon-Wrapped

 

Stuff You Need to Buy
Jalapeños
Cream cheese (you COULD get that Neufchawhatsit stuff that’s allegedly better for you, but….is this really the time to be all hippie-crunchy-granola-health-conscious?)
BACON

First things first, you should get a friendly neighborhood cat to help you unload groceries lounge about lazily and ruthlessly gnaw on your only reusable grocery bag while you bust your balls hauling heavy things to and fro in the kitchen. This is my cat Maverick; he is useless, but adorable and I will rent him out to you for a nominal fee.

 

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With the help of your cat, lop off the tops of your jalapeños, then slice them in halfsies hot dog-style. Unless you are a masochist or hate yourself, I would recommend removing the seeds and membranes. I used that handy dandy little jalapeño corer below, but a spoon and some aggressive scooping should do the trick.

 

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Yum yum yum, now things are getting exciting. Scoop a healthy spoonful of cream cheese into each pepper half, and spread it out so it’s all even. Try your best to keep your monster kitties from licking the cream cheese,  that’s sick nasty.

 

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OH MY GOSH I’M GETTING EXCITED HERE COMES THE BACON. Lovingly, tenderly and delicately, wrap each of your precious jalapeño-cream-cheese babies with bacon. Wrap ‘em aaaaaaaalllllllll up in that shiz.

Yeah, just like that, don’t stop, yes, yes! YES!
(“I’ll have what she’s having.”)

 

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Now it’s business time – you’re ready to cook these gorgeous little bites of Heaven. I used a stovetop grill pan, but any old sauté pan should work, too. When things get snappy, crackly and poppy you should get excited because very good things are happening.

 

 

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As for the bacon grease: drink it, bathe in it, I don’t care. You do you, honey.
HOLY YUM ON A STICK LOOK AT THESE LITTLE DARLINGS.

 

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My heart attack should be arriving any day now, and it’s going to be totally worthsies.

PRO TIP: make more than you think you need because as the old adage goes, if you wrap it in bacon they will come. What the heck Husband you think I made these for you? One more step towards my precious bacon babies and I. Will. Cut. You.

Alright I’m off to work out eat more bacon gotta go BYE.

-The Wife in Training

 

10 Comments

  • Reply April 9, 2014

    Juliette

    I AM MAKING THESE THIS WEEKEND I DECIDED.

  • Reply April 9, 2014

    Juliette

    Also I love it when your recipes get all sexual.

    • Reply April 9, 2014

      admin

      It’s hard (that’s what she said) NOT to get all sexual when bacon is involved.

  • Reply April 10, 2014

    Faith

    You’re officially my favourite recipe-post-sharer (yeah, I said it).

    I need these in my mouth hole right now. You’re making me so freaking hungry over here.

  • Reply April 10, 2014

    Kai

    Okay, so I just thought of these things I used to make where you use the triangle pillsbury dough that you make crescent rolls with, but you like press them together and roll everything out and and then spread cream cheese and jalepapenos (the kind you use on nachos, not fresh ones) and then roll it up into a big spiral and slice it into little cinnamon roll shaped pieces, i just got the brilliant idea to MAYBE just may throw some crunched up bacon in them. Im testing that out this weekend. I’m probably the worst explainer ever hahahaha

    • Reply April 10, 2014

      admin

      NO YOU’RE NOT that sounds amazing and I want them. Let me know how it goes!!

  • Reply August 10, 2014

    David

    great post, looks amazing! does this work if you bake them ?

    • Reply August 11, 2014

      admin

      I feel like yes? I’ve never tried, as I am not a generally healthy person, but I feel like that could be done.

  • Reply October 2, 2014

    amber

    WE ARE HAVING THESE FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

    Because our grocery store had them premade when i was buying steak and hamburger meat and I was like I WILL SURPRISE JASON WITH THESE. So, I cannot wait until after work. I’m also pretending they’re clean eating because bacon is protein, cheese is dairy which is healthy, and jalops (because that’s what Jason ALWAYS calls them) are veggies. I WIN AT BEING HEALTHY.

  • Mmmk. So when you come see me on Thursday you’ll need to bring these as well.

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