Alright cauliflower, you win this time

It turns out I can’t read, which is pretty embarrassing. Especially for a writer. It’s just that my brain occasionally refuses to compute normal human English, and consequently I either overlook, or never absorb, important details. This, naturally, frequently results in tremendously stupid mistakes.

Why I choose to tell the internet all about my shortcomings and stupidity, I have no idea.

The stupidity, probably.

I remember one particularly angst-laden high school morning when my brain was solely focused on perfecting the ideal hair curl to draw the attention of Cute John in English class. My mom yelled down the hall to ask if I had time to boil a couple eggs for her. I stared at my reflection stupidly, hoping Mirror Lindsay might have understood the instructions. Boil eggs? Who does that? Are you sure you don’t want them scrambled? She confirmed no, she wanted them boiled, as in water.

She walked into the kitchen 10 minutes later to find loose, boiled egg particles floating around in a stovetop jacuzzi, shells cracked and casually discarded nearby.

Remember with the brain thing and the logic and the mistakes thing? Yeah.

Anyway. Today my friend Abby umm, very gently, pointed out, I painfully misread the mashed cauliflower recipe and the subsequent catastrophe was totally, completely, 100% all my fault.


Turns out the recipe said to boil, not sauté the cauliflower.

Screen shot 2013-11-20 at 2.45.54 PMI’m not sure where I got “sauté” either

This could explain the large influx of comments, messages, @mentions, texts and offers to come over to my house and personally show me how it’s done. Every single one of you offered precise, step-by-step instructions on how to properly prepare mashed cauliflower.

What? I thought you guys were just being extra helpful and supportive. Nope. You guys just knew how stupid I was, while I (as usual) was the last to know.

By the way, not one set of these newly-acquired instructions involves sautéing in a pan.

Don’t act like you’ve never done this. Sautéing and boiling are very similar. Ish.

I will give this whole cauliflower mess another try. As soon as yesterday’s trauma wears off.


  • Reply November 20, 2013

    Abby Ray

    Apologies for being the bearer of bad news, but I promise your next batch will be infinitely better! ;)

    • Reply November 21, 2013


      I hope so…. If not, you can make it up to me with a margarita.

  • Reply January 14, 2014


    So once you master the art of boiling your cauliflower (or gasp — steaming it), make it into puree and hide it in some muffins, watch the Mr. eat them and see if he can figure out your “secret” ingredient.

    Don’t laugh – my then 2 yo ate them. The hubs too. They never knew what hit them.

    • Reply January 14, 2014


      Okay… maniacal laugh allowed. Muahahahaha.

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